According to Larousse dictionary, being unfaithful means having romantic relationships with someone other than your partner. But where does infidelity begin? For some, there needs to be physical involvement. For others, even a kiss is already considered cheating. And with the advent of new technologies, the boundary is even blurrier. Even infidelity has managed to innovate. Online flirting, steamy messages, exchanging nudes… These practices have almost become normalized. Having grown up with a smartphone in hand and more accustomed to flirting through apps than face-to-face, “virtual cheaters” are mostly under 30 years old.

According to an IFOP study, half of young adults have already experienced virtual infidelity. But older individuals are not immune. Some specialized sites specifically target them. This is the case with Gleeden, an extramarital dating platform that now has over 8 million users worldwide, with an average age of 37. In addition to the traditional Tinder, Happn, or Meetic, social networks (especially Facebook and Instagram) are also becoming meeting places. Exchanging messages without your partner’s knowledge has never been easier. But is it really so harmless ?

Legally, yes, at least in Morocco. In 2018, a judge acquitted a married woman who exchanged a series of intimate photos with a man other than her husband on WhatsApp. So, is chatting not cheating? It’s a bit more complicated than that, as explained by Amal Chabach, a sexologist in Casablanca.

Fidelity, a philosophical question

Does a (sexual) relationship begin when two people write to each other or even think about each other? You have two hours to figure this one out… Yes, it could almost be a topic for a philosophy exam. Because there is no ONE right answer. “All couples are different. And only the two people in it can set the limits not to exceed,” says the sexologist. The problem? We rarely discuss the topic of virtual infidelity with our partner unless we discover some hidden conversations or flirtatious messages. And when we realize we are “cyber-cuckolded,” it’s often a rude awakening. “My boyfriend is very shy. So when I found out a year ago that he was on several dating apps and maintaining several virtual relationships, I was shocked and disappointed. For him, it was just a way to test his potential without ever acting on it. For me, it was a real betrayal,” remembers Kabira*. So, to avoid being caught off guard, there’s only one solution: start the discussion without delay.

Infidelity 2.0: Not so black and white ?

Going to pornographic websites, following (and fantasizing about) a beautiful stranger on Instagram, belongs to the world of private thoughts. It’s a bit like thinking about someone else while making love. Does it count as cheating? According to Parisian sex therapist Pascal Anger, this imaginary sexuality and our fantasies spice up our real-life sexuality. However, as soon as there’s an exchange of messages (naughty or not), the boundary becomes more complex. As long as the relationship remains virtual, it’s often considered not to be infidelity. Some people think it’s a relatively harmless way to prove to themselves that they can still seduce, reassuring themselves and boosting their dwindling libido. For others, however, it can turn into a risky game, generating a sense of anticipation, thus feeding the desire. Because a real connection is formed with another person, even if they are behind a screen.

A role reversal is necessary

So, how can you tell if you’re “cyber-cheating”? One way to determine if chatting equates to infidelity is to put yourself in your partner’s shoes. Imagine finding out that your significant other has been talking to their ex for three months without telling you. Or maybe they’ree revealing your intimate details and confiding in a stranger. Or worse, the conversations are getting steamy… Suddenly, it doesn’t seem so funny !

For Kamal, it was an eye-opener: “I was single for a long time, and I was registered on multiple dating sites. Once I got into a relationship, I didn’t delete my accounts on these sites. I was still flirting, sending playful messages, and even engaging in some naughty chats. I didn’t consider it cheating, so I didn’t feel guilty. But when I realized that my girlfriend was doing the same thing, I found it disrespectful. If she was truly happy with me, why continue to interact with others? We talked about it, and both of us deleted our accounts, which had no impact on our relationship.” Therefore, only you can determine if this constitutes cheating and whether it reveals a more serious issue in your relationship.

How about a little trust…?

But be careful not to fall into paranoia. “Why did you like your yoga teacher’s photo?” “Who’s messaging you at this hour?” The other side of social networks? They also fuel our anxieties. Should you rummage through your partner’s phone to see if they are virtually unfaithful to you? Or install new geolocation features to track them? Before turning into Inspector Gadget, it’s better to remember that a couple is primarily built on trust…

 * Names have been changed

Photo (c) : Oneplus

By : Camille Chataigner