Ghosting, at this point, is something everyone knows. It’s a sudden and unexpected way to end a relationship by cutting off all communication (no more responses, messages, or calls). You’ve probably been ghosted or done it yourself, whether it be in a friendship, romantic relationship, family, or even professional setting. The impact of ghosting varies depending on the level of interaction. The stronger the emotional connection, the more deeply the ghosted person is likely to be affected (confusion, misunderstanding, feelings of rejection and/or abandonment, sadness, loss of self-esteem).

Unsurprisingly, this practice causes serious emotional damage. According to several American scientists, ghosting is one of the two most toxic ways to end a relationship. So, what’s the second method, you ask? Drumroll, please, ladies and gentlemen: orbiting. Brace yourself, because we’re about to take the toxicity up a notch.

Is orbiting the new ghosting?

Orbiting means “to orbit around” (like the moon around the earth). This term was coined by Anna Lovine, a New York journalist and expert on 21st-century dating, and should be quickly  added to our modern love vocabulary.

When someone practices orbiting, they ghost you (go radio silent) while still observing you on social media. This “observation” is subtler than haunting (which involves excessive likes and comments) but less discreet than stalking (where the person operates in secret). Orbiting involves never missing any of your Instagram or Snapchat stories, even being the first to view them as soon as they’re posted, and occasionally dropping a like here and there.

A concrete example? Imagine you had plans with your ex to have THE conversation — the one that could’ve changed everything (at least in your dreams) after weeks of ambiguity following your breakup. Your ex set the meeting, but never showed up and didn’t apologize. Instead of communicating, they ghosted you. Yet, a few days later, they resurface with a “like” on your new Facebook profile picture and become your number one fan on all your Instagram stories (just published, and they’ve already viewed them). In real life, they might even ask about you through mutual friends or acquaintances. But despite all of this, they won’t open or respond to your messages. They show they’re connected and following you, but they still won’t communicate! Crazy? Oh yes!

The art of confusion

Why? Simply because orbiting creates even more confusion than ghosting. Ghosting is usually an avoidance strategy: you “play dead,” hoping it’ll all blow over. You make sure not to show any signs that you still exist, and you certainly don’t show any interest in the other person. Orbiting, however, is the complete opposite.

This behavior causes even more frustration for the person on the receiving end and keeps a false sense of hope alive (if they’re watching me and showing it, it must mean I matter). In fact, someone practicing orbiting is often more emotionally attached than they realize. They’re likely nurturing a fantasy (what the relationship could have been, what might have happened between you). But at the same time, they’re incapable (either in the moment or long-term) of investing in the relationship or making any real effort for you.

It can also be a way to keep you on the back burner and remind you of their presence from time to time. In any case, orbiting maintains a sense of ambiguity and prevents you from moving on from the relationship. Plus, it says more about the person doing the orbiting than it does about you. Let’s be honest: it’s an unhealthy and cringeworthy behavior.

Ghosting often reflects a person’s emotional immaturity, a form of cowardice, and an inability to communicate clearly and responsibly. Sometimes people disappear because they’re lost and don’t know what they truly want. Orbiting, on the other hand, adds a much more manipulative and vicious layer to the situation. And if the person denies it, they might have some psychological and relational issues to work through on their own. Meanwhile, you don’t need any of that to move forward with your life. So, cut off this nonsense: Don’t try to understand it, and cut them off completely. 

@arrezoazimzadeh

Lets talk about orbiting! Ive discussed this in the past but I thought id bring it up again to refresh your memories #orbiting #psychology #moderndating #psychologyfacts #fyp #setboundaries #relationships #dating #socialmedia #change

♬ original sound – Positive Psychology Coach

According to Larousse dictionary, being unfaithful means having romantic relationships with someone other than your partner. But where does infidelity begin? For some, there needs to be physical involvement. For others, even a kiss is already considered cheating. And with the advent of new technologies, the boundary is even blurrier. Even infidelity has managed to innovate. Online flirting, steamy messages, exchanging nudes… These practices have almost become normalized. Having grown up with a smartphone in hand and more accustomed to flirting through apps than face-to-face, “virtual cheaters” are mostly under 30 years old.

According to an IFOP study, half of young adults have already experienced virtual infidelity. But older individuals are not immune. Some specialized sites specifically target them. This is the case with Gleeden, an extramarital dating platform that now has over 8 million users worldwide, with an average age of 37. In addition to the traditional Tinder, Happn, or Meetic, social networks (especially Facebook and Instagram) are also becoming meeting places. Exchanging messages without your partner’s knowledge has never been easier. But is it really so harmless ?

Legally, yes, at least in Morocco. In 2018, a judge acquitted a married woman who exchanged a series of intimate photos with a man other than her husband on WhatsApp. So, is chatting not cheating? It’s a bit more complicated than that, as explained by Amal Chabach, a sexologist in Casablanca.

Fidelity, a philosophical question

Does a (sexual) relationship begin when two people write to each other or even think about each other? You have two hours to figure this one out… Yes, it could almost be a topic for a philosophy exam. Because there is no ONE right answer. “All couples are different. And only the two people in it can set the limits not to exceed,” says the sexologist. The problem? We rarely discuss the topic of virtual infidelity with our partner unless we discover some hidden conversations or flirtatious messages. And when we realize we are “cyber-cuckolded,” it’s often a rude awakening. “My boyfriend is very shy. So when I found out a year ago that he was on several dating apps and maintaining several virtual relationships, I was shocked and disappointed. For him, it was just a way to test his potential without ever acting on it. For me, it was a real betrayal,” remembers Kabira*. So, to avoid being caught off guard, there’s only one solution: start the discussion without delay.

Infidelity 2.0: Not so black and white ?

Going to pornographic websites, following (and fantasizing about) a beautiful stranger on Instagram, belongs to the world of private thoughts. It’s a bit like thinking about someone else while making love. Does it count as cheating? According to Parisian sex therapist Pascal Anger, this imaginary sexuality and our fantasies spice up our real-life sexuality. However, as soon as there’s an exchange of messages (naughty or not), the boundary becomes more complex. As long as the relationship remains virtual, it’s often considered not to be infidelity. Some people think it’s a relatively harmless way to prove to themselves that they can still seduce, reassuring themselves and boosting their dwindling libido. For others, however, it can turn into a risky game, generating a sense of anticipation, thus feeding the desire. Because a real connection is formed with another person, even if they are behind a screen.

A role reversal is necessary

So, how can you tell if you’re “cyber-cheating”? One way to determine if chatting equates to infidelity is to put yourself in your partner’s shoes. Imagine finding out that your significant other has been talking to their ex for three months without telling you. Or maybe they’ree revealing your intimate details and confiding in a stranger. Or worse, the conversations are getting steamy… Suddenly, it doesn’t seem so funny !

For Kamal, it was an eye-opener: “I was single for a long time, and I was registered on multiple dating sites. Once I got into a relationship, I didn’t delete my accounts on these sites. I was still flirting, sending playful messages, and even engaging in some naughty chats. I didn’t consider it cheating, so I didn’t feel guilty. But when I realized that my girlfriend was doing the same thing, I found it disrespectful. If she was truly happy with me, why continue to interact with others? We talked about it, and both of us deleted our accounts, which had no impact on our relationship.” Therefore, only you can determine if this constitutes cheating and whether it reveals a more serious issue in your relationship.

How about a little trust…?

But be careful not to fall into paranoia. “Why did you like your yoga teacher’s photo?” “Who’s messaging you at this hour?” The other side of social networks? They also fuel our anxieties. Should you rummage through your partner’s phone to see if they are virtually unfaithful to you? Or install new geolocation features to track them? Before turning into Inspector Gadget, it’s better to remember that a couple is primarily built on trust…

 * Names have been changed

Photo (c) : Oneplus

By : Camille Chataigner