« Friends: the family we choose.” Or at least that’s what we’re led to believe. While for most people friendship signifies unwavering emotional support, sometimes this love can turn into a bad psychological melodrama. Yes, toxic friendship exist, and it’s better to identify it so you don’t get burned (like I did). In this piece, we will delve into some highly toxic relationships that have shaped my life. This month’s (BFF) mood is right here.
Just like love, friendship is not always smooth sailing. Throughout my life, I have often been disappointed with my friendships. From my adolescence, through my college years, to my high-level executive job, there isn’t a phase without someone I considered a friend who eventually made me doubt our relationship. I’m not talking about minor disagreements and group chat disputes. No, I’m talking about those toxic friendships that are more about manipulation, emotional blackmail, or belittlement than mutual support–people with hidden venom who always end up biting you like a rabid dog. Let’s explore the world of these false friends who were almost the death of me. And if you’re looking to identify the culprits, please know that the names have been changed. Otherwise who knows; maybe you’d find yours here.
The vampire ball
Blair Waldorf, the False Friend:
She was a friend I met at a girls’ dinner organized by my sister at the trendiest restaurant in town. Between bites, she was so attentive and understanding that she managed to make me spill my life’s story just three minutes after the main course arrived. She got me to talk about how my cat Minouche’s death affected me until my adolescence, how my relationship with my mother was psychologically draining, and the last epic argument I had with my boyfriend. It was only a few weeks later that I learned that this pretty brunette had asked my significant other how he felt about his marriage, which was on the brink of falling apart. He even thought she was applying for the position of the new housewife. Of course, he didn’t hesitate to put her in her place. Right next to the trash bin. Thanks, dear. In the kingdom of broken friendships, tberguig reigns supreme.
Ursula, the Hypocrite :
A close cousin of Blair, she showed up in my 5th-grade class. It was love at first sight, friendship-wise. Everything was “so cute”, she had a fantastic sense of humor, constantly complimented me, and did everything to fit in. In just three months, she became the star of the schoolyard and spent all her time with my friends. A little too much, in fact… Because while in my naive world, I saw no harm in that, I was eventually warned. This snake kept criticizing me behind my back and constantly tried to belittle me. She also tried to upstage me at every opportunity, of course. During the eventual confrontation, facing my accusations, she didn’t hesitate to tell me that “I was uglier than her anyway.” Great. Needless to say, she has remained in my Pantheon of toxic friendships to be eradicated. TOXIC FRIENDSHIP
Gaston, the hero : TOXIC FRIENDSHIP
Did you know that, on average, it takes 164 hours for a casual relationship to turn into a friendship in adulthood? With his exaggerated self-confidence, frankness, and high opinion of himself, Gaston took much less time to leave his mark on my professional friendships. This seemingly well-behaved young man started humiliating me gratuitously in front of the entire office after four years of good relations, various after-work events, and weekends with friends.
Was it my fault ? I’ll give you a hint: I got a promotion. This character with an oversized ego took it as a personal attack and wanted revenge. Needless to say, the following after-work event looked more like a battlefield in World War I than a discussion between civilized adults. The result? A double victory. Not only did the man apologize but he also started seeing a therapist. Apparently, without much success… Sarah 1 – toxic friendship 0? TOXIC FRIENDSHIP
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Iaogo, the Victim : TOXIC FRIENDSHIP
In the vast family of toxic friendships, there’s the one who always says, “But you have to understand that…”. You know, the one who never takes responsibility for their hurtful behavior and always excuses themselves, either by explaining that they’re going through a difficult period or by making their life seem so much harder than yours. Iago is the latest person who insidiously contaminated my life with their toxic friendship. Always unhappy or complaining, I spent six years trying to uplift his spirits (and losing mine in the process). What was the result? Nothing. He stopped talking to me out of the blue, explaining that I was too toxic for him. Seriously? According to a study by sociologist Gerald Mollenhorst, the maximum duration of many friendships is seven years, so I guess I’m average.
In this potpourri of false friends, I could also tell you about “Yzma,” the one who never keeps her word, and “Ken,” the notorious liar who invented half his life story. Or even “Mother Gothel,” who tried to split my BFF and me apart to divide and conquer. But I don’t have time for that. Because, as Aristotle said, “He who is no longer your friend never was.” It’s safe to say that after years of dealing with toxic friendships, I’ve mostly learned how to suss them out. And to keep my mouth shut after three drinks at a party.
Because, in the end, the most challenging part of these relationships is often identifying them. Psychotherapist and American author Dr. Erin Leonard, in an article published in the scientific journal Psychology Today, reminds us that it’s important to differentiate between two types of friendships: “The emotionally intelligent”, who are capable of making mistakes but also exhibit empathy and introspection, and the “emotionally unintelligent” who knowingly sabotage their friends and shirk their responsibility.
In the end, between love and toxicity, there is a fine line that can sometimes be crossed, for better or for worse. And with each new encounter, it’s a bit like Russian roulette: either the beginning of a beautiful story or something potentially dangerous for our mental health. After all these years, I think the key is to continue believing that true friendship can always knock on our door. At the same time, you can’t say you weren’t warned. TOXIC FRIENDSHIP
Photo (c) : Modic Magazine
